This past few weeks have been rough ones. There have been many thoughts that have gathered in my brain. Some were from reason and rational, some were from deep emotion, some were reactive thoughts based on assumptions or likelihoods, and others needed forming because of some legitimate concerns that needed to be brought into the light. In processing through this time I have noticed how much my thought life has evolved. And I am still a baby in time. I wonder what it will be like 10 years from now! No wonder it is so hard sometimes to understand God’s ways.

Today I am thinking back to when I was in my early twenties. I had no cognition that thoughts could be evaluated. I just ‘was’. Because of abuse I reacted to life, mostly. I had a crystal meth addiction that ruled my decisions. Any moment I could stay out of pain or away from things that might bring pain was a good moment. I had moments of euphoria that I would have called happiness. Those moments came largely when I used drugs, had sex, listened to music, or was driving my 67 chevy nova. Sometimes when I would impress someone with my knowledge of car parts I experienced some pleasure. Mostly in music, alone, was where I recall finding replenishment. There was a broader peace that came in outdoor spaces. Everything was easier in less populated places.

I remember, one night, I had a dream. It was a scary dream. Most of them were in those days. I woke up and remembered being in a cold sweat. In part of the dream I had been in hell. Of all I knew or didn’t know, I had no doubt that hell was a real place and I had just been there. My mom had begun a paid position at a nearby church watching their nursery. I had gone a couple of times and liked the college age group they had there. The exposure led me, in this moment, to ask God to save me. Fear was my motive. The place in my dream was bad and I did not want to go there. I remember a portion of the dream washing off me as soon as I asked him to save me. Peace came like a bath, not to stay but to visit in moments in the next season.

It was one of many moments I now look on and see as awakening moments. My crystal addiction did not stop. I had the grace to quit smoking for about 5 months. It was a radical enough experience that I changed at the auto parts store where I worked and they did not know what to do with me anymore. And for the first time I became sensitized to an external battle that my thought life played a role in. The church was a baptist church. memorizing scripture is big there. God used my gifting and my addiction to show me in the spirit what it looked like when I used his word to combat the hopeless thoughts or scary thoughts. Often it was not formed thought but some trigger would result in a raw fear and I learned the verses that worked the best and perceived the real combat that goes on around us in the spiritual realm. For a season I ‘saw’ the scripture become a sword of light as it left me and I would see it chop the darkness around me during times of attack. I learned some of his power. I became aware that formed thought was another weapon in this war. I failed more often than I succeeded in capturing thought. They just ran rampant or without conscious form. It was frustrating and I asked him to help.

He brought a new tool. It was very simple. I was a little girl in my heart and he gave me what every little girl should be able to enjoy- it was a butterfly net. He said, if I wanted, I could use it to capture the thoughts. It empowered me. Then I could bring the thought to him. I was so confused about good and bad. He knew that. If I wanted I could hold up the thought in the net to him, he would run it through his fire. The ones that were not light filled thoughts burned up, with no damage to the net. Cool!

A lot of thoughts burned up in those days, and meanwhile he was training me in the way I should go.

This week. a thought will come. Then another, and perhaps a third. I can feel the tension build and the discontent increase and my heart leans towards the pain more than who I am. I have learned to lean into the thoughts to avoid my unhealthy learned stratagem of denial. I recognize them, and then I remember- this is not who I am nor how I feel most of the time. I look at the thought itself- it is a clue for me, to tell where I am hurt, or what needs correction. A thought this week was that I am frustrated by the unclean money stream of a group I was recently associated with. Turning that back on me, I can see, I am sort of feeling inside like the reason I prosper financially has everything to do with my good handling of money. Yuk! Everything I have comes from God. The ease of finance during this season is not my work, it is his work. So the progression of this thought leads me into releasing the thought, choosing to turn from it, and going instead towards praise- thanking God for who he is and how he has provided for me during this time. And how he has trained me in stewarding so he gets the glory!

Tears have flown as I have escaped the judgment and bitterness that awaited me. Freedom has sung as I have again utilized his tools for the peace that now remains, mostly.

I marvel at the growth. What God can do with a little girl in pain who wants it all to go away amazes me again.
Selah