The memory came this week. It all fit together. No wonder the feeling of being powerless was such a trigger.
Volunteering to drown was easy compared to what followed.
When we went in the deepest place, there was a part I did not understand. He did not go all the way into the pit with me. He stayed at the higher level and did specific motions to help me stay focused.
When I asked him why, he said he only goes into places that his blood cleanses and restores.
This place was not one of them.
Could he go, I wondered? He said that if he went in there the deterioration would not be able to continue, because he is life.
I feel like there is still so much I do not know.
In the memory I had to go there to travel the paths I traveled as a child.
I had to know for sure where I was, what I joined with, and how that impacted me and aquifers.
It was so hard.
I would have done anything, joined with anyone, to escape the terrible feelings of being powerless there.
It was so hard to stay in them.
When I came back up, some sort of seal closed the lower place. The part where the electricity formed the barrier was still open to me but the lower place was sealed off an he said I did not have to go there again.
I am so wrecked and weary, bone weary, exhausted by the memory.
I didn’t really have a lot of time to process before today came.
Today a song was being sung about the glory realm.
I closed my eyes an was instantly fixed by a beam of warm light.
Him.
I then was on a platform and he said, where would you like to go?
He said I could travel now, while awake, as long as it was through the light.
Africa. And we were there. A woman with a basket was drinking from a pool of dirty water.
Where next?
He explained that I could not travel much with the other door still open. Now it was closed. I could. Always through the light.
I am excited. I don’t even really know what it all means.
He is delighted for me, so happy I chose to stay in the impossible place so he could heal me there.
It is amazing that I forget still, when faced with impossible, that on the other side I find God there.
I still feel a bit upset with myself for the joining.
I wish I had been able to be heroic, or a martyr or something.
But I was, when I volunteered for the drownings.
Sorting through it all, and the healing is starting to overtake my wounds.
Surely he does all things well…just look at my life.