I was afraid.
I was alone.
My body was getting ready for delivery.
A son.
I had gotten pregnant the previous year, by a guy I met while I was working at the Chief Auto Parts in Downey. I lived in my car then. My nephew being killed, the ritual nature of the killing, the newspaper stuff and the family stuff had converged and I was snot able to stay in my home town anymore. I met a guy. He was nice. W had sex. And I got pregnant. My need to deny the pregnancy had propelled me into my fifth month without acknowledging it.
Now I had acknowledged it. I had gotten married because of it and I was alone because my husband had left the week before on a six month deployment. Yes, he knew the baby was not biologically his. But he loved me.
I was at my sister’s and she had promised to be my labor coach. I went and told her I needed her help, the pain had begun. She told me she would be there in a bit. This was the last day she was protected by her current birth control and she wanted to make the most of it with her current boyfriend.
I had taken some cod liver oil earlier in the day because my new husband expected me to receive his furniture shipment in two days so I needed to have birthed the baby and be home by then, which was his original due date.
And the pain had begun. I was alone.
I wonder sometimes what it is like to go through pain with others. That has not been my journey.
As I travel back to recollect this time, it wasn’t until my water broke that my sister came out of her room to take me to the hospital. Then she was pretty disgusted with me when we got there and I did not progress quickly. They sent me home and she threatened to not bring me back.
Hours later. Contractions so strong I was almost entirely internalized. My sister and her boyfriend drove me in when I started screaming I think. I remember at one point the internal monitor said his heart had stopped and I saw two nurses look at each other and shake their heads. Pushing was awful. Our son had ingested his bowel movement and had to be suctioned for a while after birth. For many hours they did not bring him to me after birth. I think my behavior during birthing had given them alarm for his safety.
I remember one of the nurses saying she would not know me now, how calm I was.
And there was our son.
Beautiful. Perfect. Gentle. Life.
Something happened inside me. God gave me the grace to care.
I remember 26 as the year I had our son. And my life changed as God breathed on my heart through it.