I remember the first time I heard mark shout that, into the microphone, at the end of Hornblend, on the boardwalk of Pacific Beach.
33. I was 33.
It was an outreach, California style.
Mark would hook up a car battery, roll it out on a dolly, and plug in his amplifier and a few mikes. We worshipped, that group of San Diego Vineyardites. No permits. Just praise. And mark would shout out things, from time to time, that drew the curious, the seekers. They would ask those on the periphery, who are you? What are you doing?
We did who we are. They came. They drank.
I remember that phrase, he was famous for it.
Less of me.
More of Him.
I remember the phrase, from other places and times. Real death. Later, his death. And the metaphors of death. Dying to me, to my pride, to my ideas, to my ways. For God’s ways to superimpose. Yielding. Beyond just saying yes. Saying no to me, to say yes. This is the fast I have chosen. Because He makes everything beautiful in its time.
That day, on Hornblend, the stretch for me was what He asked me to bring. I was new to the group. Relatively. My sister went there, but I was not good at making friends, so though I had come awhile, I did not know anybody.
And He said, he wanted me to bring two fish and five loaves. To the outreach. As a sign. he wanted to multiply. He emphasized fresh fish. Crap. These people were going to think I was nuts! Suppose the pastor could not receive them. All the reasons were stacking up. fear of man.
I had his email, so I emailed that pastor. Gary Goodell. Can I bring….?
His gracious response. Sure. Go ahead.
I went shopping. Fresh fish was the harder item to find. In the Albertson’s on the package I found the words the Lord had spoke. They were the fish. The bread I got from the Wonder store. And I took it with me to the beach that evening. I set it all down behind the amplifier and went to worship. It has always been an avenue where I find God. No matter who, or where. I enter, He is there, I am lost in Him.
I heard soon after that the fish had been grabbed. Some homeless folk had asked for them and were cooking them over a fire pit on the sand below. Delight filled my heart that the Lord had used me. The bread however, sat. And sat. And remained.
Later Gary told me that he had often bought bread and the homeless there would not take it. For some reason they were bread snobs, he said with a grin.
Perhaps it was food for the birds.
I remember that phrase today. So much has changed yet not very much at all, in a way.
It is a good day to die.
A good day to yield me, in favor of Him.
I am in love.
His life is mine.
Selah.

From time to time in the past I have set up booths in new age events, to offer dream interpretations and spirit affirmations to those hungry for such stuff. I use the language of the culture, which I am much more comfortable with than christian-ease, so when this last event rolled around I was looking forward to it.
It is always good to get to know the vendors around you to add to the positive energy flow of Love.
This year I had Stevie, she does necromancy, on my left, and Jeff, he does spiritual readings from the wrong tree, on my right.
The gal across and down, did toe readings, the gal up from her drew pictures of spiritual beings around me trying to connect with me, and the one directly across did inner healing of life hurts through channeling. They were all nice. So who would come?
That first night, almost no one did.
It was dead for us all.
Lots of time for us to talk. Stevie and I really hit it off, although she was a little annoyed that she couldn’t pin down what I do, or how Creator energy is different than Reiki. I told her I do whatever the person in front of me needs….and she kept saying- but what is your specialty….she wanted to form a link.
I went home and that night before I slept she came to me and tried to put a nice little man made wall between our booths with a window where we could connect between clients. I realized I had not been staying within my 6 by 10 slot spiritually and she was asking for boundaries.
Hers was not okay though. So I pushed it up and out of the way and set in its place a light barrier. It was alive and from the Lord.
The next morning as I awoke, the Lord spoke quite clearly- he has called me to feed his sheep. hmm. I was not sure what that meant for the day. Ah well. I went in and wondered if Stevie would acknowledge our exchange. No Stevie.
An hour and a half later she came in. She looked at me and smiles. She pointed to the space between us. I got it, she said. Light. She outlined our barrier and said it again. Light. Right. I smiled and agreed. And still, it was very slow. Her, and the guy on the other side of me, began getting a slow trickle but none came for me.
Then a guy came through and asked if he could sit. Sure, why not. He began to talk. It turns out he was a pastor. he had been a priest in Michigan but gotten ejected by his bishop for starting and interdenominational faith day. Now he works in the inner city. With the poor. And as he described his work I saw the generational component he was up against. I talked to him out of Hebrews 7 and explained what I had found. We spoke for about an hour. And he left.
Stevie came over and said, what were you doing? The energy changed and started going up and down like a sin wave. Who was that guy? I said a pastor. She said, oh, and looked at me again.
And I realized I am not going to be able to stay within a 6 by 10 slot anymore. My spirit has grown. It reaches beyond that.
I did not go back the next day.
In the middle of moving, my family was appreciative that I stayed home and worked.
I am not sure if I can do that venue again.
I did come away with a mandate that seems more geared towards the kids that know their dad.
And so I grow.

There are times that God opens my eyes to see things I have not seen before.
In the move, there has been so much to do.
We now have a lawn that takes 6 hours to mow.
The first week we were at the new place, the lawnmower broke.
And God showed me my husband.
My husband approaches problems far differently than I do.
He does not waste the time or energy it takes to get discouraged.
He simply assess and proceeds in the fixing. problem after problem, he approaches them the same. Problems within problem, he might get a little exasperated but he does not quit. He just assesses what the next step needs to be then he does it.
For him, a new set of problems is life giving.
He gets bored with the same old problems over and over.
And he really enjoys company as he problem solves.
If I am just standing there he loves to talk to me and cheer him on by shared support.
He is very good at telling stories.
I marvel at the way his circuitry works.
As I have gotten healing and have become aware of some the deficits in my own circuitry, I am more in awe of God for giving me a life mate who loves me and shares with me and likes to be with me.
I love my husband.
Next month is 25 years for us.
What a journey it has been.
Today I just want to honor the one who said I do to me 25 years ago.
It has not been perfect.
But it is God’s perfection, for us to be apart of God’s work in perfecting us, to be together.
Selah.

I have been with you for three years. We have broken bread together. Stayed at each others houses. Traveled together. Taught together. I love you. You are family to me.

But now I have to go. What has happened is for the good. But you won’t see m anymore. We won’t talk on the phone. We will not know each others hugs. We will not share gaze the way we once did. But it’s for the best.

When I go I bring the potential for a relationship with you that transcends the physical reality we once knew. It won’t seem like that at first. It will be different communication and you will wonder if it was me and you will need to grow in discernment to tell when it is not.

My kiss will feel like breath. Instead of eating beside you, I will eat through you.
I will wash your feet still, but it will feel like peace returning into your being.

Earth is a type, a shadow. Of a far greater relationship.
What I offer will be more intimate. Instead of sharing what you are conscious of, our relationship will allow me to go to the innermost part of your being and surface things of which you are unaware. You will know the secrets of your heart through me.
I will allow you to know me in a deeper way too. I will share the depth of my heart in a way you could not take if we were both skinned sitting apart from each other.

There are times you will long for my hand to be once again on your face. This change is hard. There are some places you will visit where you will always think of me and remember me and long for me to be as I was. The pain will take your breath away.

When you feel that way, remember I feel that way too. Not that it should be as it was, But that I long for you in the way it shall be. A better way. With no more room for miscommunication. A way with no more painful breaches. A way that will reveal the truth that our time here on earth was but a model of a better way to come.

You may feel at times that I torture you, to be with you but to not be with you the way you once know me. Take heart, little ones. I too, feel the angst at any separation between us. This is partaking of the fellowship of my sufferings. And so I go, to prepare a place….where we never have to be a part again.

If you were his disciple, how would you respond?

Today is my mom’s birthday.
I think she is turning 89. Others say she is turning 90.
My mom.
When I was born, she is was in mourning.
The sister 22 months older than me had been kidnapped by my dad while she was pregnant with me. There are other details, but the gist is that my mom wished I was her. In my baby book she put pictures of her and my sister.
I had my dads eyes, making it hard for her to bond with me.
It all set me up for the abuse that was coming.
But I remember learning how to make my mom happy. And when she was happy, I found a little rest.
If I stayed pretty, she was happier. When I impressed her friends with my behavior and intelligence, she was happier. When she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t stand the pain. She knew I heard/felt her thoughts sometimes. That made her push me away, so I tried not to. But when her pain was big, it was hard to ignore. But if I bothered then, she fed me. So I learned food’s purpose. It was to stop pain.
She enjoyed hearing people call me her carbon copy. She promoted me to do that. So I became her extension. I looked just like her except for my eyes. But even they changed color, to hers. The years of growing up were hard ones for her. She was trying to keep her new marriage alive, and care for a child who had been returned after six years of absence. I was overlooked. She only sexually abused me when she was drunk. The times I remember her being involved in the satanic stuff she was strongly drugged.
Once I got married, our relationship improved.
She thought I was doing the right thing, and when mom approved, she backed, financially and with nice-ness.
We got close again.
She enjoyed her grandkids.
She enjoyed sharing all their kudos.
With everyone. Everywhere.
She got a job caring for the nursery at the church I attended and was very well liked.
responsible and hard working and loved the little ones- that was how she was known.
When I became pregnant with my third child, God started my healing process.
Things became strained between us.
And unsafe for my children. Because mom was indiscriminate about who she shared with. And her sharing about what I was beginning to recover was causing the cult members of my family to become concerned I would reveal family secrets.
I had to separate.
It was a long time before I could reestablish relationship. And then it was a bit strained.
Now my mom is dying.
Her heart leaks. Badly, now. Alzheimers is gaining more of her time. And her days are short.
I am grateful for the day we had, in March this year. She had a heart attack and had just gotten home. I happened to be in town. We sat on her bed for three hours and she shared with me her life.
I grieve there could not have been more.
I remember when the Lord told me how to honor her. he said, if I went after all of what his cross makes available for me in my life, that if she chooses him, when she gets there, I will have honored her by making the most of the life she sacrificed to give me, she will be honored by me. I have clung to that.
Today as my Mom turns 89 or 90, I commit again to pursue God for all I am worth.
This one’s for you, Mom.
I love you.

I have started a new Bible reading plan. It is chronological. What a ride it has been! It was like seeing Genesis all over again for the very first time! He creates! He names! There is joy! he is joy! He creates! And he names! There has been an effervescent quality to feeling the creative facet to Him this time that I have not touched before. He enjoys! It is bubbly! It is fun! And it is perfect! And there are some things He created, that he left unnamed. he put it into the hands of men to do that. To name stuff.
And I ponder judgments we make. And how somehow it is us, naming stuff without wisdom and without God.
We are created to one day judge the world, and to judge angels. You will be asked how angel x did over the region where you lived, in the area he was assigned to display God and minister to the heirs of salvation.
By the time this assignment comes, we will be ready.
Our spirits will have been matured. Our souls will have been tamed. And our bodies will have reached their end. Our birthright, then, will shine. So God in His wisdom, put us on a path. It began when He created stuff He did not name. It continued with the example of Adam, with spirit alive before soul had ruled, naming the animals.
It is a substory to the story of reconciliation back to the garden.
In the reconciliation we are both being restored and being grown up.
It occurs to me that there are things God has created and put in my life that he is wanting me to name.
It is Father, preparing me for the day when reigning is a portion of my role.
It is practice, to feel what it is like to commune with Him, get his perspective and assign something on the earth with the dominion I have as a son.
It may be a situation. Or a heart ache. or a new relationship. Or an old one.
We see John redefined as the son of Mary at the cross.
Named.
God named me.
And he wants me to name.
And it develops me towards the day when I will proclaim.
Wholehearted and with authority.
The way every good wife does, in oneness with her husband.
I get to share His joy that He created stuff, He knew this would all be happening. And I am a part of that joy.
Amazing King.