I was on my way to jazzercise this morning.
The Lord pressed himself close to me and asked- Are you ok with my dealings with your mom?

I started to cry.
My mom was found naked and wetting herself recently. She fell and broke some ribs so it was determined she needed help caring for herself. She was in a nursing home recovering from the fall when she got a bad CNA. The CNA left her on the commode for hours. her nightgowns with feces were not washed. And her diapers were forgotten. This is the interim time between getting her recovered and establishing her in a facility that cares for Alzheimers.

When I made the move to gain distance from my family in 1993, it was because the Lord had indicated it was what I needed to heal. It was hard then, and over the years various parts of it have been excruciating. This is my mom. Yes, I was abused. Yes, even by her. But she is my mom. I was her carbon copy. She is the only mom I will ever have. That makes her irreplaceable, and now with her in this condition, even my visit must consider other relatives that hold naught but ill in their will towards me.

And here she is. Dying from a leak to her heart. And losing her sanity. And experiencing abuse in a nursing home.

And the Lord awaits- are you ok, Tanya, with my dealings regarding your mom?

What do I say?
The quick first response is no, take her home to be with you quickly.
The second thought from the brain tries to sort out how much is the Lord in her current condition.
The third response, which I want to be the first response, is, All of your ways are perfect Lord. Help me see your hand in this.

And he seems to say, your brothers and sisters still have many judgments against her. And I see a picture that involves righteousness, and how there is a perfect proportion the earth must experience to glorify God.
I ask if my forgiveness can stand in their place.
He goes on. And there is your mother herself, and the judgments she holds and will not release.
I begin to see that his ways in this truly are higher than mine.

And I really do not know entirely what it is like to be her right now. Sometimes I have shared moments. But not the whole. Not the entire of essence and life choices that have become who she will be.

I think of Revelation 19.
The Bride, upon seeing the smoke from that city ascend forever (due to destruction) (did she have any family there?) responds with a wholehearted declaration. True and righteous are your judgments Oh God.
That cry precedes his coming.
I long for that to be worked into me, into the Bride, the wholehearted embrace of his ways his timing and his decrees.
And I consider my mom. And know that some of it is because of her choices, some of it is because of my family, and some of it is because of original sin, and rebellion, an iniquity. And the turning from God in the bloodline.

And I cannot see my Father allowing something unjust to go on forever or without reward. And I cannot see him punishing like this.
And I also know the dangerous to some prayer that is within me- do whatever it takes God to get me ready for eternity.
And who am I to say or to sort these dynamics or their proportions.
And I stand with Job, and say I thought I knew, and now I am in sackcloth and ashes.
Forgive me for the place in my heart that thinks to know anything but the truth that true and righteous are your judgments, God an I am not even sure whether this is that or something else.

Humbled. Broken. Walking still.
He sees the end from the beginning.
And he knows what he is doing.
And from that perspective, I pray.