I remember the day. I was going into a memory from my past. The person facilitating for me was not well known yet. I watched her as I allowed the content of the memory to emerge. To make sure she would not fall apart. To make sure I would not have to rescue her. To make sure it was safe to let go.

And then I found.
Fear.
This was not a memory I could go to.
They would know.
He would know.
He would feel me accessing it.
He would use it as a doorway to find me.
And the final punishment, that I was born and bred for, would fall.
I was sure of this.

So I shared, with my facilitator, that I could not go because he would know.
She asked if it would be okay for us to ask Jesus about this.
Would I be willing to listen?

Yes.
And I heard a sound. A roaring sound. A rushing roaring wild loud sound. Crashing around me. Water. His voice as many waters. His answer to my fear. He said, in the midst of this loud crazy sound, that if Ray wanted to reach me, he would have to go through the sound of the Lord to get near. And I knew he would be unable. No power could get through this sound. This was the Lord. Uncreated God. The power stunned me.
In most of my healing he came as gentle. This sound of his power convinced my heart.

So I chose to look. And of course it was awful. And of course it involved Ray. But the fear of him touching me through my looking at the memory was gone. The sound surrounded me, the voice as many waters was my shield.

And when it was done, I chose to forgive. From the place of pain. Counting what it had cost me. All of it. I released my forgiveness. And then the Lord challenged me. Out of Matthew, chapter 5. Being perfect, as he is perfect. A step beyond forgiveness. A step into love. A step that was willing, in the place of being healed, of being healed so completely, of being able to say- when his book is examined, Lord, and you are judging him for his choices, let the actions he perpetrated against me be removed from his book. Because you have healed me. And his sin no longer matters or has influence in my life, other than to increase the justice and mercy I know from you. Let it not be counted against him, what he did to me. I choose love. To love my enemy. To not need to see him punished for what he did. To trust you that you will judge by the whole state of his heart, instead of the portion I saw expressed to me in violence and hatred and abuse.

And there was greatness there. Not greatness in me, but greatness the Lord had put in me of himself. It was me discovering his greatness. And it was greatness. Higher than my ways, or thoughts.

To be perfect, as my Father is perfect.

And the following week, during our preplanned family vacation, we visited Niagara Falls. And the sound of those waters…for me…was an echo of him. He knew. He knows. And He is knowing. Selah.