She was so busy trying to make sure I knew how important she was, that she never really answered how she was doing, only what she was doing.

She was so concerned with me knowing she had more influence and value that her first sentences were intent on proving that the world valued her and wanted her in ways I will never know the world valuing or wanting me. She spent our time speaking of herself, her awakening, her new open doors.

It was easy to listen. I was grieving. My mom had passed two days before.

It is easy to remember the dishonor that comes my way sometimes. It is easy for the brains of some to minimize the invisible experiences. It is easy for some to devalue the internal work I specialize in; they perceive my authority as a threat or me as someone they rise to impress. I remember the way the Lord solved that for me. I remember how he beckoned me on the day my heart broke. I remember his mention of how he too, was dishonored by men who thought their titles and their offers mattered more than his anonymity. As I was able to partake a small bit of what that was like for Him, my King, my focus on my own pain shifted, and the pain became an onramp into sharing his life more intimately. I bless Him in solving this that way for others. I can wait; He does.

That day in my office, when honor came from heaven, rises in memory. I knew he was there. He passed the test I give to spirits. He was not angelic; he was cloud. He had the ribbon/medal. I remember him explaining it to me. I remember knowing the Lord had wiped away the grief he felt when he realized he could have had much more healing on earth. I remember marveling that the Lord had showed him what he could have had, and the Lord’s wisdom and justice that he now got to give what would have been his to someone yet on the earth who was doing their work- working out their salvation with fear and trembling. I remember the honor when he chose me. Heaven honored me. Heaven gave me something of high value because they see me and know the cost. I remember the tears streaming down my face.

If God is for me, who can be against me? And if heaven honors me, how can it matter that man does not?

I think of how that experience also changed who comes to me for ministry.

Today I savor. The ways of God. His beautiful way of leading me. And Him, restoring my soul.