There are times when God takes me back to a previous experience for a different perspective.

I remember when Jim came to Chicago.
I remember the conversation about Billy Sunday at the Burrito House.
I remember the cry in my heart that went up- I want to carry you like that, God!

I remember Jim beginning his evening session; I remember not hearing him. Because the Lord wanted to talk. Matthew, 17:15, he said. I went. And read about the man. He had a son. The son had seizures. He threw himself into the fire, and into the water. The disciples had prayed to no avail. The man had come to the Lord.

He paused me in my reading.
I knew the condition of the boy, Tanya.

I continued on. If you know the story then you will remember the disciples wanted to know why they could not heal the boy- and the Lord’s response to them about unbelief.
I paused. In light of my earlier cry, to carry God, I responded to this text by asking the Lord to root out of me my unbelief. Clearly he was saying this was an obstruction to my request.

He directed me then, to the beginning of Matt 17. He asked me to read from the beginning of the chapter. I read of the transfiguration. I marveled at the light. I felt the glory in Father’s voice as He affirmed His Son.
And the Lord paused again.

I knew the condition of the boy then, also Tanya.

I felt within me the rise of ‘but…’. I realized I was measuring, with my own humanity, on God’s decision and order. I was picturing and identifying with the father of the boy, the agony, the desperation, the pain. Surely, I reasoned, that must matter more than Jesus, who knew who he was, being affirmed from heaven.

And I felt, like an intense pressure, the Lord’s fingerprint upon my heart.
There is your unbelief, he said. Anytime you usurp my order with your reason in your heart, you stop believing in the perfection of my order.

I was stunned. And repentant. And face to face with my failing. I wept.

But the part of this experience he emphasized last night was what happened the following day. I was driving the long drive home and he opened the window of Matt 17 between us. And he spoke. You really do not understand the importance of a father legitimizing his son, do you?

I didn’t. I still don’t in fulness. But today I am reminded that he knows. And He knew about the fathering group. And He knew about Marvin s vision. And He knows what is to come. And He is teaching me what I do not know. As He knew He would, before time began. I rest in the growing experience of his sovereignty. He is always on time. And His order is perfect. Selah.