One of Gods favorite ways to bring correction and alignment to me is by reminding me of conversations, and then speaking to me about them.

I remember a lot of conversations almost word for word.

Recently I sat at a table with a friend having lunch. Another came, who has not pretended friendship to me in the past. She is friends with my friend, however. So she sat and wondered aloud what we were up to. It was supposed to be catching up, only it wasn’t how I perceive friendship. It was not a posture of- tell me what you havve been doing so I can rejoice with you about the ways of God. It was more like information gathering.

The topic of Burning Man came up. She asked my friend if my friend felt it was productive. The emphasis was on counting how many actual salvation prayers are prayed by sinners- that was what her mind needed to make the work legitimate. It was like if she could pull that out of my friend in a way she felt was approved, then her affirmation would be released.

I have stopped having those conversations. I am not willing to help you settle in your mind if what I do is legitimate evangelism.

I think the question should be more relational- is there fruit in me? Do you see the love of Jesus transforming me and changing me? If you do, then you can rest that I am transforming others. How would I withhold Jesus from another when he is the only one who saved me? Is it my discernment of another’s readiness that you distrust? Or is it that it does not look like what feels right to you when you interface with the lost? Is evangelism more important than love? Can evangelism have more than one expression? Is one more valuable than another? Does not all true love lead to conversion? Sigh. Anyways…

This particular conversation left me disappointed with the Bride. But look how God used it-

“You thought I would correct them”, he began. “you thought I would break their religious mindset and defend you. You expected me to show them that what you do is love and that I back it with my authority. And not only did I not correct them, but I also affirmed to them that I love them. And you are stuck, wondering, where does that leave you? If I affirm them, am I agreeing with their religion? Or are they not religious-is it you that has gone outside the fold and needs correcting? How can I affirm you both and not defend one or the other?”

Blam. Got me. True. It totally messes with me, God, that you let them ask their persecuting interrogatory questions and judge according to their mold. Especially when defending myself violates the very love you have called me to. Argh.

Muddling my way into the truths that I know. Again, my heart has judged God. Again, I meed to go low, declare what is true- to do justly (not judge God) to love mercy (even when that mercy is extended elsewhere and is used to build a case against me) and to walk humbly with my God (to trust that he will make wrong things right and perfect in each of us the work that he began because he is faithful, and his times are higher than mine.)

Repentance is coming. Tears accompany. Thy orchestra plays. Heaven sighs. I yield and am moved into alignment again. Selah

There are times when words do not adequately convey the gratitude my heart knows; how then to help others into my world is a bit of a mystery.

Recently I taught on a Sunday morning. It was within a group that loves me. They would let me teach almost anything among them, as long as it stayed within the truth of God’s word.

I was a bit apprehensive about bringing my life message- because my life still seems uncommon among the bride. While a day may come when all that remain have endured extreme hardship, torture, pain and suffering, within America there are many who do not yet walk a path that contains those.

Obedience overrode uncertainty.

And when it was one I breathe. I can listen and hear the mistakes. But this is the message I was born to bring. And I am stunned at the fulfillment that brings. I was not looking for fulfillment. I was not even looking for understanding of that particular Psalm. But God.

He knew. He has done this full circle thing again. He suffered. He made reconciliation possible. He made me. He reconciled me back to God. And within that reconciliation this truth exists and has become one within Him and me. It is our shared point. Even though he has the far heavier weight of the truth of it, us having shared this point is a place of communion an oneness between us.

It almost feels like – how can I ever bring anything more true? How can I ever grow beyond this moment? And I want to jump on top of a roof and shout- Look what God has done! With God all things are possible! With my God I can scale any wall!

And as I pause and consider, ten years ago, twenty, thirty an forty, I am undone.

Let it not be said that we know all of God’s ways. Let it not be thought that we can out predict or imagine what he will do.

I am on my face. Thanking. Humble. Realizing that no one else can fully get what this message means to me. Except for him. Because he has walked with me all the way.

You can find the message here. http://www.northshorebridge.org/sites/default/files/podcast/tanya_dwyer_-_4-12-15.mp3

Blessed is the name of our Lord. Amen.