I was at the gym today. It was a day for going slow all uphill. Yahweh loves it when I match his pace instead of trying to outpace myself. From the first song he was there. He spoke about the memory that has been surfacing. Where skin was peeled in a cult activity. I have been having such a hard time staying in the awfulness of it. He has been asking me if I think his creation of skin is a good thing. Knowing, as he did, what cults would do. I am choosing the yes and feeling the resistance in my soul. That is why I get to or have to (depending on which perspective you share) look. My soul is out of alignment with his goodness here. Today, Misty sang- arms wide open, a heart exposed. And he spoke. No. I died with skin on little one. My heart remained covered by skin, so I could go through the aging process with each of you. To die without skin is not natural, or normal, or okay. While I died for it, for the pain of the sufferer and the sin of the perpetrator, it was not within my perfect plan, only my permissive one. My permissive plan allows for free will, and it is a better way. I began to cry. He was not done. Consider your timeline. Consider Job. Consider how I allowed him to be disconnected from his time line as a part of my process. Permissive and perfect. And as to your own experience, permissive but not perfect. Yet I am able to right all wrongs. And I make everything beautiful in its time. Weeping freely, who can tell, with all the sweat?

He reminded me of when I was 15, dead there on the floor of that barn, my spirit going up the stairs until he halted me by telling me I could not go further. Surely I am a wave. And surely the curse of Esau that has never been rescinded exists in me. I was so angry about his decision. Today, he brought redemption. You would never have been able to come through this door then as you are able to now. So, gently, he undoes me again. He would not settle for less. And I am struck by the importance of that door at the right time, being a part of his perfection. Selah.