I gave up my rights, this time in San Diego.
I had been there three days and not seen a sunset yet. The fourth day, I arranged to have it. I movede my schedule so I could go, alone, to the shore to be with him.
I associate sunsets with intimate moments with the Lord, where he says something profound, of love or of wisdom, and it becomes one with me as I process it in the weeks and months, and sometimes years, following.
Of course I want to be known as one who followed God faithfully, once I am gone. I expected, in fact, perhaps even demanded it as my right before the Lord for choosing the righteous path. He was bound, in my thinking, to make sure I was defended by him, in reputation, after my body had stopped.
I figured, an hour before sunset, to drive to a place by the shore where he has met me before.
I was slightly disturbed when he spoke before I left the hotel- he said, “I go to prepare a place for you”. And I got a picture of the tidepools in Point Loma. But I knew. It was valentine’s day weekend, as well as president’s day weekend and the weather was warm- the beach would be crowded. So off towards the tidepools I went.
Yes the earth bound spirit of my stepdad had made himself known to me the previous days. No, I did not want to do an eviction. Yes I would do it if God came so strong that it would be disobedience to not evict- and yes, I preferred not to facilitate that eviction. The Lord did not push me. He did not loose anointing for it. He is so patient with me.
I got to the tidepools at 4:45. Sunset was at 5:30.
Lo and behold, they close at 4:30. And the question- was that what God said? It comes as clearly as it did in the garden for Eve. Along with the enemy accusing God, there are the self doubts of my brain and my soul.
Quite by extraordinary miracle, I have learned to recognize and combat these. I am his child and know I have grace when I miss it. So I turned around and thought to park in Ft. Rosecrans National Cemetery. My mom and step dad are laid to rest there. It overlooks the ocean on the west side. I knew the view of the sunset would be magnificent. And as I drove the ¼ mile to it, I heard again- I go to prepare a place for you. I enter the cemetery and I realize- this is of when he spoke. These words apply to when he leaves and when he returns. They apply to my leaving here. They are current and truth in all of the time of my existence here. This is not all there is. He went, he has gone, he is going, it is an eternal preparation he is doing for me, and in me by my knowledge of it.
Demanding myself to be remembered a certain way might actually impede what the Lord wants to do with others around my death- the way of it, the time of it, and how it looks.
And I yield. I yield for my passing to be anything more or anything less- than what God chooses for His good. My times are in his hands.
I remember the story my brother in law told me the day before. The guy he knew had cancer. When he died, in his autopsy, no trace of cancer was found. He actually got healed. But he had liver failure because of the cancer, before it was healed and that ended his days. My brother in law thought that was not right. He should have lived! But was the testimony of healing for God, or for the person? The man’s passing did not diminish, but rather emphasized, that the healing belonged to God.
And I realize, I had demanded this sunset from the Lord. And all sunsets belong to him.
Repentance came. I yielded to his beautiful truth. My step-dad was waiting. He had been concerned about how his daughter Paula would do, if he left, but he relinquished that responsibility to Father as I witnessed. And he went partially home, during the changing of the guard that occurs on the earth when transitions are witnessed. I heard the great sigh of change. He paused, there, in the Way. And there were others, who fumbled around in the darkness, that he was allowed to help home. It was justice for him. It was the timing of God. And it was holy.
Following him, it costs my own way. It defies my understanding. It rearranges my priorities. It often takes me where others avoid going.
But the beauty that comes, in the rightness of his timing, always enlarges me. More importantly, he gets more glory from his time (my time) here. He becomes history in me. He makes everything beautiful in its time. If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart.