When I was little, I COULD NOT care what people thought. It was too painful. It was proven over and over again, that there would be no good thoughts towards me.

As I grew, I decided I would take advantage of that. I chose to not care. This was different than pain-based escape- this was actively building a wall. I did not give a fig what you thought and I was PROUD of it! I could go out of my way to prove it, too!

In early healing I came face to face with the deception- I did care but I had built a wall so I did not feel- because I was afraid to feel. I was afraid it would all be too much pain.

I had to go through a season where I allowed myself to feel what it is was like to care what you thought of me- even though it was scary and my good day could turn quickly if I felt like you disapproved or rejected who I am.

These days, I am appreciative that I get to interface with how you feel about me. Even when you do not approve, I get to respond to that and find areas that need correction in me or find Love to bless you with- knowing we are both perfected over time-both are wins for me. Yes, how you feel about me matters- and it is good! But it doesn’t own me, or coerce me, or make me feel like I need to be somebody I am not. And this for me feels like freedom. Freedom from the fear of man.

I am sorry for the ways that Christians have behaved like idiots in your life.

I am sorry for the times they said one thing and did another.

I am sorry for the way you opened up your heart to them, believing they were representatives of a good God, and then they didn’t even really ‘see’ you, and they trampled over you with their agenda to earn badges for God.

I regret, I deeply regret, the hypocrisy that was portrayed and how it has left you with a sour flavor wondering if that is who God really is.

The ways that religion and its man manmade rules were purported as a higher way was wrong.  The things you were told you had to quit or change were told to you by people who did not understand the model of transforming love. They took a role God did not intend for them to take. Their assignment was to love you. In not doing that well, you got hurt.

I wish that had not happened. I wish you had not been hurt.

I am sorry that you were seen as a project that someone else could use to gain approval with God.

I am sorry for the dishonor-for the ways your culture and heritage were not respected. I apologize for the disregard of your personal story and history, and the way you were devalued as an individual.

I am sorry for the judgments; for the times when you were made to feel like a lesser than, or left feeling ignorant because the Christians all seemed to have a certain language they assumed you should know. I am sorry for the times you felt excluded. That is the very opposite of love. I am sorry for the times that ‘punishment’ included not letting you belong if you didn’t ‘behave’ according to their rules. How painful that is!

I just wanted to let you know today, I don’t know your story, but I would like to. When we sit down and talk, I don’t have an agenda. I have done worse things than most people, so it’s easy for me to not judge you. I don’t believe there is a set of rules that transforms me. I think it’s Love. I give you permission to call me out if I get religious. I think if we learn each other’s language we may be friends. I am hopeful that we can learn things from each other. I am sure we will find things to laugh about. I would like to try.

I am a Christian. To me, that means I follow the way of Love. I hope you won’t hold it against me. 

Since the healing part of my journey began, there has always been an external place where the Lord meets me. Different seasons have used different locations. But the premise has always been the same.

“Come. I will meet you there.”

In the Old Testament there is a similar structure around what was called a ‘tent of meeting’.

He has chosen certain shores, certain preserves, certain state parks, and in one season it was a particular parking lot! These past few years it has been a particular zoo. Those folks that know me, know that seeing animals in small spaces does not bring me joy. So it has been a mystery for some time. Why this place? But He shows up. So I go.

Sometimes the way He comes is during the drive, sometimes it is within a certain exhibit. Sometimes it is with wisdom. Sometimes its revelation. Sometimes its with kindness. Sometimes its for intercession. Sometimes He teaches through what I observe.

Recently I was sharing with a friend, the mystery of the zoo location. She laughed. “Of course!”, she said.

I was puzzled. She explained. “All those animals are in captivity. You deal with prisoners all the time. So of course He speaks to you among the captive animals!”

The truth of it was like a light bulb turning on. Of course, indeed! And I suspect, the next time I go, He will want to talk about that, too!

I remember I had just begun to dive into teachings about the prophetic. I was talked into taking a course from a guy named John Paul. The course was titled The Art Of Hearing God. I was arrogant and thought I already knew all about that. Eight years prior, I had begun a journey that included hearing healing words from God. Looking at my childhood, healing words were needed.

(Of course, prior to the season of healing words, I honestly believed if something bad happened to someone, they couldn’t ‘not remember’ it. I even had a story of dysfunction in my hippocampus that neatly explained why I couldn’t remember childhood. It seems like it is when I think I know stuff, that the Lord excels in revealing new things.)

Back to the course. The Art of Hearing God was astonishing. It was a course designed to make growth in this area safe, and offered lots of discernment tools so that hearing the Lord became available to all. I was happily disproved in my thoughts that I knew it all. I was excited and my life in God took on new energy and acceleration. The guy also had courses on interpreting dreams. But I didn’t want to take those. I didn’t even like to dream.

One night, after I had done some of the exercises in the course, I went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night. John Paul was sitting at the end of my bed. Knowing he was prophetic, I asked him, where we were on the timeline of humanity. He said, “I am not permitted to say.” Not to be diverted, I asked him where we were in the book of Revelation. He said, “I am not permitted to say.” Hmm. I thought for a minute. Then I asked Holy Spirit why he was there. He looked at me and he asked, “are you training your children in this gift?” I knew he was talking about the supernatural, and about the ability I had to connect in spiritual ways. I said no, I have been too afraid.

He finished what he had come to say. “if you do not train them, the world surely will.” And he was gone.

The intensity of his gaze and his words stayed with me. I took more seriously the charge to help my children understand the nature of our God is supernatural. Was it a dream? Was it a real experience? Was it an angel? I think the bigger question is- did I need to have that all sorted out and understood before I took to heart the message that was brought to me?

There is still so much I don’t understand. But what I have learned is that if it leads me closer to the Lord, and his ways, I don’t always need to have understanding. And through that avenue the Lord has built into me a trust that I did not get in my growing up years. To not understand, but to recognize love. That is what I continue to learn.