But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

That is found in Paul’s letter to the Galatians. Chapter 5:22

As a person that has Holy Spirit living inside me, this fruit is available for me to eat, to cultivate, to multiply, to enjoy, to offer. To live a better life. An easier one, with more fulfillment.

I have been pondering how forgiveness relates to these.

Matthew 5 tells us that if we only love those who love us, even religious enslaved people do that. Instead, we are exhorted to love those who don’t love us. That is part of us becoming as we shall be.

Can I love someone who hates me without having forgiveness in my heart for them?

We read that Jesus was anointed with joy above his companions. It is evident during his suffering, that he had enough (joy)capacity to stay relational. In that space, he also forgave.

In Philippians 4 we absorb a peace that passes understanding. Experiencing peace before forgiving is a lot different than experiencing peace after. Longsuffering requires forgiveness to remain. Really, all the fruit are more deeply experienced when the heart is free from the demands unforgiveness makes.

Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Is it just an encouragement to make financial offerings?

But verse 37 says Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. And the verses following 38 talk about taking the log out of one’s own eye before judging the speck in another’s.

Do I give differently when I am holding unforgiveness?

I remember that when my memories began, the Lord felt it important to teach me a parable from Matthew 18. ²¹ Then Peter having come near to him, said, `Sir, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him — till seven times?’ <sup>22</sup> Jesus saith to him, `I do not say to thee till seven times, but till seventy times seven. ²³ `Because of this was the reign of the heavens likened to a man, a king, who did will to take reckoning with his servants, <sup>24</sup> and he having begun to take account, there was brought near to him one debtor of a myriad of talents, <sup>25</sup> and he having nothing to pay, his lord did command him to be sold, and his wife, and the children, and all, whatever he had, and payment to be made. <sup>26</sup> The servant then, having fallen down, was bowing to him, saying, Sir, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all; <sup>27</sup> and the lord of that servant having been moved with compassion did release him, and the debt he forgave him. <sup>28</sup> `And, that servant having come forth, found one of his fellow-servants who was owing him an hundred denaries, and having laid hold, he took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that which thou owest. ²⁹ His fellow-servant then, having fallen down at his feet, was calling on him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all; ³⁰ and he would not, but having gone away, he cast him into prison, till he might pay that which was owing. ³¹ `And his fellow-servants having seen the things that were done, were grieved exceedingly, and having come, shewed fully to their lord all the things that were done; <sup>32</sup> then having called him, his lord saith to him, Evil servant! all that debt I did forgive thee, seeing thou didst call upon me, <sup>33</sup> did it not behove also thee to have dealt kindly with thy fellow-servant, as I also dealt kindly with thee? <sup>34</sup> `And having been wroth, his lord delivered him to the inquisitors, till he might pay all that was owing to him; ³⁵ so also my heavenly Father will do to you, if ye may not forgive each one his brother from your hearts their trespasses.’

I have had different levels and applications of this in my journey but the sum of it is this-

Any moment that I am not in full-on adoration of my Lord, my King, my sin against him is far greater than any sin that could ever be committed against me. And I have had a lot of junk done against me.

The thing about forgiveness, is that it has to come from the place where the heart got hurt. Anything less is lip service. But choosing to forgive from that place, and relinquishing any demand I may have from whoever hurt me, even while acknowledging the full cost of how that hurt has impacted my life, is freedom. That type of forgiving doesn’t need to be redone, over and over. Because it is not about trying to convince my heart, it is about my heart having a real time exchange- the hurt for healing.

I knew I had to make it stop. There was an eyeball in a bag, in my backpack. My instructions were clear. Drop it off the boat when you go whale watching tomorrow. Or else.

I couldn’t.

I quietly left in the middle of the night. I headed north. On foot. The St. Bernard found me quickly. I have so many times when large dogs companioned me, so it was no surprise. We walked. I was about two miles out when I got cold. I tried to creep into someone’s basement, but they were awake and I ran quickly away. When I got to El Cajon Blvd. I met a guy standing outside his apartment. He asked if I wanted to come in. I did. I stayed with him and at the halfway house across the street with Charles for nine days. But I wasn’t far enough away. Someone from the school sighted me. I was caught. And returned. My mom and I were called to the school. My mom was told I was being kicked out. It was a catholic school. I was obviously not a virgin. I was not welcome there any more.

My mom was humiliated. We got in the car. She started driving. And she drove. Silent. Tight lipped. Angry.

120 miles later we arrived at her sister’s house. She told me to go to the spare bedroom. She said, “take off your clothes.” It did not occur to me to disobey.

I stood, naked, for a long time. I noted the impersonal room. The green bedspreads. The tricolor carpet. The Mexican art. Hollow. Waiting.

I am pretty sure her sister tried to talk her out of what she had decided to do.

She came in with a belt. Her words were venom. “you think you’re a big girl now? Can do whatever you want?’ Smack. The belt hit my face. “I’ll show you a thing or two.” Smack. “slut. You’re nothing but a whore now.” Smack. It seemed to go on a long time. I had lots of welts. Even when I crunched on the floor she kept hitting and yelling. Like she was vomiting her anger all over me. When she was done, she told me to get dressed. We’d leave tomorrow. I felt nothing, then.

It took a long time, and a lot of healing to look at that memory with anything other than an emotionless narrative. It certainly was not the worst thing that ever happened. It was just how mom was. I after all, had run away. There was always consequences. Cult consequences were far worse.

But it was wrong. It was wrong of her to do, and it was wrong to do to me. And when I gave myself permission to feel the impact that had on my fragile heart, when I acknowledged that hollow was a wall, and behind that wall I hurt really bad and was angry, then I was ready. I asked the question. Jesus why didn’t you stop her? Where were you?

Instantly I was back in that room. He was there. I was surprised. What he was doing did not make sense. He was kneeling, near the closet door. I looked at him. He looked at me. “I was praying,” he said. “I was asking my Father to preserve a part of your heart. I was crying out then for the relationship I wanted to have with you. I was groaning at the pain I knew your heart was feeling. I was longing to heal it then.”

That story sits inside me differently now. It is no longer emotionless. But the emotion now contains awe, as well, at the healing the Lord has done, and reverence for the way he has run after me to heal me.

With God, nothing is impossible. With my God I can scale any wall.