When in my immaturity I come and say- it wasn’t supposed to be like this. My healing was so hard God but I did it expecting my kids to not have to go to that degree of hard. If I had not pursued healing- whould it just look the same?

Then he comes and says-Do you think I was not aware of the widows when Paul came and changed their world? Then he comes and says-do you think I was unaware of the brutality of the Romans and their anger when I had Paul write Romans? Then he comes and says- did you think I did not see injustice or was unaware of the suffering when all had lost faith?

I know he calls me higher.

But his next question reveals my heart in a way both merciful and terrifying.

If you could use turkey feathers and a spell to fix this would you?

And my yes answer reveals how easily I would usurp him to do what I want, acting as though I were a better god.

He does not condemn me.

But he does want me to see that this is here so I can repent and be washed.

Not my will, but yours Lord.

Truly there is mercy in many trials, for they reveal the heart’s lack of alignment with our Perfect King.

Do you have an ability, something you are good at?

Do you think others could do it as easily as you, if they just tried harder?

What is missing is the realization that the ability was not due to my greatness, but to God’s gift in designing me that way.

I have a person in my life causing havoc. It triggers me, because if she had been a part of the girls that were used in childhood she would have got at least one of us killed because of her inability to regulate and go numb.

That has made me angry.

I realized today that my ability to be paralyzed on the inside and still do what my perpetrators required externally is not because I could figure out how- it is because God designed me with that ability, to stay alive on the past he chose for me.

A pastor that brought transformation into my my life – by welcoming it into his own-passed away recently.

In his transition he came to stand before me. He asked me to forgive him. I did, not knowing what I was forgiving.

When he was my pastor there was a relational issue that became messy. He felt I handled it the wrong way. Because he thought I should have been able to handle it the way he did.

Now I understand. And today I repent and ask forgiveness from those to whom I have done the same. (If can do it, you can do it- debunked)

My expectations of others came from not realizing that what I do well, I do well because the Lord put it in me to do.

se-lah