Father Andrew Miller believes that in our brain, the way we interpret our experiences on the right side of our brain gets stored in our left brain as belief. What we believe, rules us.

An example of how this might result in error is illustrated by a recent email I received. I had reached out to this person to gently inquire how they were doing. I shared a little bit of my own life in the email as well, to invite deepening relationship.

What came back to me was brusque. It felt as though the person had no time for emotional bonding. They were straight, sharp, and to the point. Information wise, it was adequate. But there was no life of the heart involved or offered.

If I based my opinion of this person on how I felt reading that email, it would be easy to ‘write this person off’, because of the absence of attunement. To me it was a condescending attitude that underlined those responses. It did not feel like an equal desire to engage in the friendship I offered. If I do not examine those nuances in my heart, decisions involving future correspondence will be influenced. I’ll experience an unexplained aversion or distaste when I think of that person.

Whenever I have bonded with someone, but when I think of their face I cannot picture being happy to see them, my brain is triggered. If I have a history of not feeling seen, or not having people attune to me, I can even assign that historical pain to this current email and believe that it is all about this person causing me distress.

If I interpret the experience with that email in that way, I’ll begin to believe things about that person that may not be true.

“they don’t have time for me”, they are just pretending to like me previously”, “they are not who I thought they were” would all be examples of how that erroneous interpretation would build beliefs that are not truth.

One of the things that helps interrupt these formations is I connect with the Lord in a divine encounter. I ask him to show me his heart for this person. That softens my beliefs and gives me the opportunity to trade or exchange my faulty perceptions for the love that comes from above.

I Corinthians : 13 ⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸ Love never ends. 

It is easier to live life from this place of peace. Selah.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

That is found in Paul’s letter to the Galatians. Chapter 5:22

As a person that has Holy Spirit living inside me, this fruit is available for me to eat, to cultivate, to multiply, to enjoy, to offer. To live a better life. An easier one, with more fulfillment.

I have been pondering how forgiveness relates to these.

Matthew 5 tells us that if we only love those who love us, even religious enslaved people do that. Instead, we are exhorted to love those who don’t love us. That is part of us becoming as we shall be.

Can I love someone who hates me without having forgiveness in my heart for them?

We read that Jesus was anointed with joy above his companions. It is evident during his suffering, that he had enough (joy)capacity to stay relational. In that space, he also forgave.

In Philippians 4 we absorb a peace that passes understanding. Experiencing peace before forgiving is a lot different than experiencing peace after. Longsuffering requires forgiveness to remain. Really, all the fruit are more deeply experienced when the heart is free from the demands unforgiveness makes.

Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Is it just an encouragement to make financial offerings?

But verse 37 says Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. And the verses following 38 talk about taking the log out of one’s own eye before judging the speck in another’s.

Do I give differently when I am holding unforgiveness?

I remember that when my memories began, the Lord felt it important to teach me a parable from Matthew 18. ²¹ Then Peter having come near to him, said, `Sir, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him — till seven times?’ <sup>22</sup> Jesus saith to him, `I do not say to thee till seven times, but till seventy times seven. ²³ `Because of this was the reign of the heavens likened to a man, a king, who did will to take reckoning with his servants, <sup>24</sup> and he having begun to take account, there was brought near to him one debtor of a myriad of talents, <sup>25</sup> and he having nothing to pay, his lord did command him to be sold, and his wife, and the children, and all, whatever he had, and payment to be made. <sup>26</sup> The servant then, having fallen down, was bowing to him, saying, Sir, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all; <sup>27</sup> and the lord of that servant having been moved with compassion did release him, and the debt he forgave him. <sup>28</sup> `And, that servant having come forth, found one of his fellow-servants who was owing him an hundred denaries, and having laid hold, he took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that which thou owest. ²⁹ His fellow-servant then, having fallen down at his feet, was calling on him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all; ³⁰ and he would not, but having gone away, he cast him into prison, till he might pay that which was owing. ³¹ `And his fellow-servants having seen the things that were done, were grieved exceedingly, and having come, shewed fully to their lord all the things that were done; <sup>32</sup> then having called him, his lord saith to him, Evil servant! all that debt I did forgive thee, seeing thou didst call upon me, <sup>33</sup> did it not behove also thee to have dealt kindly with thy fellow-servant, as I also dealt kindly with thee? <sup>34</sup> `And having been wroth, his lord delivered him to the inquisitors, till he might pay all that was owing to him; ³⁵ so also my heavenly Father will do to you, if ye may not forgive each one his brother from your hearts their trespasses.’

I have had different levels and applications of this in my journey but the sum of it is this-

Any moment that I am not in full-on adoration of my Lord, my King, my sin against him is far greater than any sin that could ever be committed against me. And I have had a lot of junk done against me.

The thing about forgiveness, is that it has to come from the place where the heart got hurt. Anything less is lip service. But choosing to forgive from that place, and relinquishing any demand I may have from whoever hurt me, even while acknowledging the full cost of how that hurt has impacted my life, is freedom. That type of forgiving doesn’t need to be redone, over and over. Because it is not about trying to convince my heart, it is about my heart having a real time exchange- the hurt for healing.

I knew I had to make it stop. There was an eyeball in a bag, in my backpack. My instructions were clear. Drop it off the boat when you go whale watching tomorrow. Or else.

I couldn’t.

I quietly left in the middle of the night. I headed north. On foot. The St. Bernard found me quickly. I have so many times when large dogs companioned me, so it was no surprise. We walked. I was about two miles out when I got cold. I tried to creep into someone’s basement, but they were awake and I ran quickly away. When I got to El Cajon Blvd. I met a guy standing outside his apartment. He asked if I wanted to come in. I did. I stayed with him and at the halfway house across the street with Charles for nine days. But I wasn’t far enough away. Someone from the school sighted me. I was caught. And returned. My mom and I were called to the school. My mom was told I was being kicked out. It was a catholic school. I was obviously not a virgin. I was not welcome there any more.

My mom was humiliated. We got in the car. She started driving. And she drove. Silent. Tight lipped. Angry.

120 miles later we arrived at her sister’s house. She told me to go to the spare bedroom. She said, “take off your clothes.” It did not occur to me to disobey.

I stood, naked, for a long time. I noted the impersonal room. The green bedspreads. The tricolor carpet. The Mexican art. Hollow. Waiting.

I am pretty sure her sister tried to talk her out of what she had decided to do.

She came in with a belt. Her words were venom. “you think you’re a big girl now? Can do whatever you want?’ Smack. The belt hit my face. “I’ll show you a thing or two.” Smack. “slut. You’re nothing but a whore now.” Smack. It seemed to go on a long time. I had lots of welts. Even when I crunched on the floor she kept hitting and yelling. Like she was vomiting her anger all over me. When she was done, she told me to get dressed. We’d leave tomorrow. I felt nothing, then.

It took a long time, and a lot of healing to look at that memory with anything other than an emotionless narrative. It certainly was not the worst thing that ever happened. It was just how mom was. I after all, had run away. There was always consequences. Cult consequences were far worse.

But it was wrong. It was wrong of her to do, and it was wrong to do to me. And when I gave myself permission to feel the impact that had on my fragile heart, when I acknowledged that hollow was a wall, and behind that wall I hurt really bad and was angry, then I was ready. I asked the question. Jesus why didn’t you stop her? Where were you?

Instantly I was back in that room. He was there. I was surprised. What he was doing did not make sense. He was kneeling, near the closet door. I looked at him. He looked at me. “I was praying,” he said. “I was asking my Father to preserve a part of your heart. I was crying out then for the relationship I wanted to have with you. I was groaning at the pain I knew your heart was feeling. I was longing to heal it then.”

That story sits inside me differently now. It is no longer emotionless. But the emotion now contains awe, as well, at the healing the Lord has done, and reverence for the way he has run after me to heal me.

With God, nothing is impossible. With my God I can scale any wall.

For some, this is a lovely day, full of rich celebration. For some, the day is dreaded and there is pain attached. For others, it is a day to pretend and feel hollow. For many, there is mourning and loss that come with the day. I remember the year the Lord changed it for me.

Exodus 20:12 says ‘Honour thy father and thy mother, so that thy days are prolonged on the ground which Jehovah thy God is giving to thee.

To me this is a sacred text that is true and by which I try to live. My family of origin made it complicated to fulfill this mandate for blessing. Every time Mother’s Day rolled around, I would go to the store. I would stand in the card section, and I would read through card after card after card. At some point I would end up crying. None of the contents felt true. It felt like I was compromising my authenticity by choosing one. But it was the rule of the family, no matter how any of us felt. Mom gets a card. And I hoped it was an acceptable way of honoring her. But it always felt like something lesser.

When the memories started coming it got harder. My ‘try’ continued to cause conflict internally. But better to wrestle internally than risk offending mom. Mom made people pay.

I remember the day the Lord changed it for me.

I walked into my spiritual community’s Sunday gathering. It was Mother’s day. The Lord spoke as I entered the room.

“I have heard your groaning, daughter. I know your desire to honor your mom. Today I will give you a way. If you will take the life that she participated in, by carrying you and by birthing you, and you will use this life to run hard after me, if you will pursue my ways all the days of your life, with your best understanding and your honest effort, and if your mom chooses me as her eternal home, you will have fulfilled this commandment and she will know how you have honored her as she lives on in me. You will have honored her by honoring the life she participated in bring forth. “

And then, I was free. I felt something man-made leave. In its place I felt the liberty of the Lord, and the joy of following his truths and consequently enjoying his blessings. It landed as a easy yoke and light burden upon me.

Even the next time Mother’s Day rolled around, the card buying experience changed. I could now buy a card based on what I had desired to have with my mom. This was not to live in non reality. And it was not to expect any kind of different response in my mom. But it was for me to be ok with what my heart craved, and for me to release my mom to be who she desired to be, simultaneously.

I will use this life to run hard after my king. And in doing so, I honor you mom, because without your carrying and birth of me, this would not have been possible.

Selah. If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart.

The first zoo eagle I met enlarged my perspective of role and function. I felt sad that he had been put on display in a setting that did not match the majesty of his species. I was appreciative that after being harmed in the wild and unable to fend for himself he had been rescued. But in my humanity I thought it disrespectful of his potential for his life to be monitored by visitors who had not known him when he was whole.

I approached with an attitude of respect. Being an interpreter, and finding bird relatively simple to interpret, I waited to see if he wanted to initiate. A thing to remember when interpreting creation’s voice is that other parts of creation do not think/speak as humans do. Nor should we expect them too.

He came closer. An invitation. I queried, “how are you doing?”

He answered. I have been chosen by Creator for this task. I am to educate the uneducated. I am to reveal my value in the kingdom. I teach, so people can experience awe at the Creator’s wisdom in fashioning me thus.

I was stunned. Broadened. Enlarged. Humbled. My interface with zoo animals grew from that point on.

This past weekend, I was at a different zoo with my daughter. The zoo had two eagles. I loved their space. They sat by a large lake. There were many kinds of life that could enter the area so that they could hunt. The space was large and had no overhead covering. Peace was tangible, like breath on a cold day. This zoo doesn’t get a lot of visitors. So the birds were more interested in us as the newcomers. I wondered if they knew why they were there. I started by asking if they knew their role in the zoo.

They looked, at us then at each other, then away. The dominant one looked back. The look was one I would give to someone that I perceived did not understand what I had said. I was confused. I thought I had a message of hope in offering the insight of the role to educate. I waited. And, he spoke.

“I am not in a zoo.” He was firm and sure about this. “You….”, he paused, “are the one in the zoo.”

Ha! It appears that even among zoo eagles, there are different perceptions of freedom and roles. My job was not to help him. But to learn, from his perspective. Still smiling. And so it goes.

Am I even qualified to write about this?

Trust was lost early for me. Need was not erased, but the expectation that my needs would be answered in safe and fulfilling ways was dormant in me for many years.

The advantage of this scenario was that I seldom experienced disappointment.

The disadvantage of this scenario were the gaps in my relations with the Lord and with others. Healthy interface expects the Lord or a person to stay the same over time. I did not have that.

I have heard it said that trust is a choice based on the willingness to risk. I believe at a cognitive level that is true. Trust can be a sterile decision based on available data, counting the cost of possible disappointment before commitment.

I am convinced I was created to know trust at a subcortical level. For me this is a place beyond thought. It is a default that I rest my existence upon. The cost of disappointment is given the power to upend me. But the resulting peace and constancy of this place makes it safe to risk being authentically me, unfiltered, before the Lord and with others to whom the Lord has knit me.

I think Paul knew this trust when he spoke of being content in all things. I think Isaiah knew this trust when he wholeheartedly said (without knowing)- I’ll go for you.

I believe when everything in Romans 8 has tried to separate me from the love of my Lord, trust remains.

Faith, hope and love all have trust as part of their construct. Trust is what helps me transition with my best self forward. For me, trust is precious because of my remembrance of life before it was built.

Having someone who loves me, in my dirtiest, ugliest, most disgusting places, having someone who knows the errors of my heart and mind, and still loves me, unconditionally, without requiring me to change for that love, has made trust bloom in the wilderness of what I once was. In Hebrew, the word for astonished has a dual meaning. In one context it means barren, a stony place. In another it means surprise, awe and wonderment. I find myself representing both, these days. having trust cultivated and grown in me has been a part of that transformation.

I am in the Gospel of Luke this week. I was reading today about the parable of the Minas.

Do you know the story?

A nobleman went into a far country to receive a kingdom for himself and return.

Before he leaves he calls ten servants and tells them to do business till he returns, and he gives them each a mina.

We read that his citizens hated him and sent a delegation after him saying he would not reign over them.

So the first servant turns the one into ten, the second servant turns the one into five. The third one hides his mina. In a handkerchief.

The nobleman returns, and he rewards those who made more out of what he gave them.

I have always heard this passage taught this way…Multiply what God has given you and he will reward you.

It is true, but today I am seeing a different picture.

When the man who hid his mina returns it to the nobleman, he says, I feared you, you are austere, you collect what you did not deposit and reap what you did not sow. The nobleman calls him wicked, not because he hid the mina but because he did it with what he believed about the nobleman. The nobleman says the servant’s own words judge him, because if he believed that, then he should have put it into the bank and earned interest.

It is not just our activities that God judges.

He looks at what our heart believes to be true about him, then sees if our actions line up with that, and then he rewards or disciplines.

I wish I had parented my children with this insight.

How we act on what we believe…is us judging ourselves. It is our choice to align with what we believe or to shrink from it, or to deny it.

What a good note to begin the day!

Selah.

When I was little, I COULD NOT care what people thought. It was too painful. It was proven over and over again, that there would be no good thoughts towards me.

As I grew, I decided I would take advantage of that. I chose to not care. This was different than pain-based escape- this was actively building a wall. I did not give a fig what you thought and I was PROUD of it! I could go out of my way to prove it, too!

In early healing I came face to face with the deception- I did care but I had built a wall so I did not feel- because I was afraid to feel. I was afraid it would all be too much pain.

I had to go through a season where I allowed myself to feel what it is was like to care what you thought of me- even though it was scary and my good day could turn quickly if I felt like you disapproved or rejected who I am.

These days, I am appreciative that I get to interface with how you feel about me. Even when you do not approve, I get to respond to that and find areas that need correction in me or find Love to bless you with- knowing we are both perfected over time-both are wins for me. Yes, how you feel about me matters- and it is good! But it doesn’t own me, or coerce me, or make me feel like I need to be somebody I am not. And this for me feels like freedom. Freedom from the fear of man.

I am sorry for the ways that Christians have behaved like idiots in your life.

I am sorry for the times they said one thing and did another.

I am sorry for the way you opened up your heart to them, believing they were representatives of a good God, and then they didn’t even really ‘see’ you, and they trampled over you with their agenda to earn badges for God.

I regret, I deeply regret, the hypocrisy that was portrayed and how it has left you with a sour flavor wondering if that is who God really is.

The ways that religion and its man manmade rules were purported as a higher way was wrong.  The things you were told you had to quit or change were told to you by people who did not understand the model of transforming love. They took a role God did not intend for them to take. Their assignment was to love you. In not doing that well, you got hurt.

I wish that had not happened. I wish you had not been hurt.

I am sorry that you were seen as a project that someone else could use to gain approval with God.

I am sorry for the dishonor-for the ways your culture and heritage were not respected. I apologize for the disregard of your personal story and history, and the way you were devalued as an individual.

I am sorry for the judgments; for the times when you were made to feel like a lesser than, or left feeling ignorant because the Christians all seemed to have a certain language they assumed you should know. I am sorry for the times you felt excluded. That is the very opposite of love. I am sorry for the times that ‘punishment’ included not letting you belong if you didn’t ‘behave’ according to their rules. How painful that is!

I just wanted to let you know today, I don’t know your story, but I would like to. When we sit down and talk, I don’t have an agenda. I have done worse things than most people, so it’s easy for me to not judge you. I don’t believe there is a set of rules that transforms me. I think it’s Love. I give you permission to call me out if I get religious. I think if we learn each other’s language we may be friends. I am hopeful that we can learn things from each other. I am sure we will find things to laugh about. I would like to try.

I am a Christian. To me, that means I follow the way of Love. I hope you won’t hold it against me. 

Since the healing part of my journey began, there has always been an external place where the Lord meets me. Different seasons have used different locations. But the premise has always been the same.

“Come. I will meet you there.”

In the Old Testament there is a similar structure around what was called a ‘tent of meeting’.

He has chosen certain shores, certain preserves, certain state parks, and in one season it was a particular parking lot! These past few years it has been a particular zoo. Those folks that know me, know that seeing animals in small spaces does not bring me joy. So it has been a mystery for some time. Why this place? But He shows up. So I go.

Sometimes the way He comes is during the drive, sometimes it is within a certain exhibit. Sometimes it is with wisdom. Sometimes its revelation. Sometimes its with kindness. Sometimes its for intercession. Sometimes He teaches through what I observe.

Recently I was sharing with a friend, the mystery of the zoo location. She laughed. “Of course!”, she said.

I was puzzled. She explained. “All those animals are in captivity. You deal with prisoners all the time. So of course He speaks to you among the captive animals!”

The truth of it was like a light bulb turning on. Of course, indeed! And I suspect, the next time I go, He will want to talk about that, too!