My husband and I have been clearing some of the land we steward for a building. For me this has been tough. A couple of trees that I love need to be felled for a building which I don’t love. Removing vines from the forest this year has been a task I have turned from, a result of the condition of my heart. Adjusting my heart to lean into this project with my husband, and to approach this with hope and looking for God, has been hard. Reaching for the fruit of the Spirit is far different than having it organically spring forth from the sweetened soil of the heart where it has grown!

The Lord knows my heart. He knows me. He created a day for alignment.

The day was yesterday. My husband took the day off work. he got busy early on the property, using a skidster to move and clear things. Kind man that he is, he saved 25 maples from sudden death and set them against the trailer, waiting for me to get some pots for a temporary home as we consider where they would best grow.

That softened my heart.

Then I went out to speak to the trees themselves. I have been dreading this conversation. I am sorry, my friends but you have to die so something else can occupy your space. How do I have that conversation when my heart is not yet in alignment with my husband? How do I not allow for bitterness to root or anger to simmer, knowing that places where I feel powerless are a trigger for me?

God had the trees initiate.

They began by talking to me about forever.

The continued with their stories, of what they had seen, what they had been allowed to witness. They rehearsed the glory of their past, with the hope of their future. They were so pleased with my husband stewarding the maples. They stood. They have stood long. Yielding to those who have been transformed by love, in the right time, is their highest honor. Their greatest bow. They talked about transition, and the passing of one thing for another. They see the beauty of God in change, as their lot has been to remain and stand, until they no longer do.

I wept. I realized that my spirit had already been communicating to them. Their role was not to receive doom and gloom from me, but to comfort me with the knowledge of God in all things.

I am so humbled. My grudge with my husband is no more. For the first time this year I worked along side him in the woods. He felt the shift and came alongside me to help me dig out a root of a vine that threatens trees’ health on this land. When we work together, the air hums with the covenant of love between us. I told him I cannot steward this land without him, and instantly realized that was where my heart was out of whack. I resented needing him when he was doing something different than what I wanted. Oy.

The alignment has come. The land rests within it. The trees are steadfast until they are not. And while there is sadness, there is growth, and hope, and change’s anticipation.

I know that some of my friends will not get this. I will have to help them see God in it all. But now I can. Because I do. Surely he makes everything beautiful in its time. Selah.

Sometimes the Lord likes to talk to me while he sets others free.
Yesterday we were doing some earthbound spirit evictions.
It was the first time I saw Jesus put the plagues on an antiChrist spirit himself. I watched when the darkness came. He looked at me and said, the darkness must remain for awhile. He asked if I thought all evictions were standard measured amounts of each plague. And he explained that each eviction is tailored to the one being evicted, and that as I leaned into him I would discover which plagues were longer or shorter depending on his wisdom and his knowledge of the original heart and how life choices affected that heart.

There were another group of earthbound human spirits. They were called ignorant by him. They went into the courtroom, each chained and connected by chain to the others. I watched. He allowed me to see into the courtroom. He took captivity captive. He explained that for them, captivity had been a being with which they had aligned themselves. It had kept them from receiving the gifts he gives to all men. Him taking that being captive, he then allowed them to watch his appeal made before Father, as he was crucified, and died, and was buried. They saw him then descend and watched his progress as he ascended and then gave all men gifts. I saw their realization of how he had done the hard part. I saw them as they realized their agreement had kept them from the gifts they needed for their calling as well as the unity of the body they needed for strength. They saw and then, their hearts were examined. Those who would have chosen the gifts and the way, went with Jesus into eternity. Those who refused, who would have chosen an illusion that gratified self began to move themselves away from the process, away from the light.

Their movement is what drew them to Sheol. He did not send them, but rather, they chose it.

I ponder today how choice affects us- towards or away from the light. Does God ever send anyone to hell? Or by their own choice do they move there.

I had been reading Numbers 19. I still have two windows open around me. One is of me at 14 with the biker on the property passing by the pile of white, sun leached bones. The other is also 14, at the shore of the water near the woods, before the pregnant woman who clung to the rock died. I am not sure why they are open as unmoving pictures. God has not left me nor is he displeased, so I assume he will move them into movies when the time is perfect, or nudge me if there is something I am supposed to do.

To my left, in the air slightly higher than my head, the red heifer appeared yesterday. I was in a local church. Worship was going on. And here is the heifer.

I know Jesus, as my my high priest, became the sacrifice once and for all. I also know that sometimes the Lord uses the old to teach me the new. Nothing is too far fetched for him. If he knows I need to see a heifer sacrifice for me to believe I am clean from touching the dead, he will totally do that and then lead me to the cross to need only him. He always surprises me. So when I see this heifer I start dialoging with the Lord. Is this for my unclean? No resonance. Is this a symbol I need to pray for this community I am worshiping with? Do they need priestly intercession for being unclean? No resonance. It occurred to me that the heifer was alive. And suddenly I knew. The heifer had been one that was sacrificed for the unclean. In the fire, the cedar, hyssop and scarlet had combined, and its action of dying, without free will, transformed it. This heifer now stood in heaven remembering with great accuracy what it feels like to be the lamb who was slain. The testimony of Jesus was stamped upon it. It will always serve to remind.

I pondered the depth of that. Each of us that are saved surely carry his imprint in some way. It is not what we understand that matters when we get there, but the imprint of Him that we carry- that matters.

And the worship paused, and communion began. And there was Jesus above me near the speaker, speaking. The prayer to remember his suffering and death made him sigh. So much of communion is seen through the eyes of the law and what was legally done, he said. But as the heifer is alive and now carries my stamp in heaven, so too, do you. So much of sacrifice is seen through the eyes of the law, and what was done. See higher, he urged me. See eternity. See what CAN be. See what was done, yes, and do not forget. But see, also what can and should occur, because I LIVE! Because I am alive in you, all that was available to me through my Father I now give to you. Communion is about continuing in that vein.

I call you as a priest from a family of priests, to pray this way for the people. To pray this way for my bride.

I am sidetracked for a minute. Doesn’t this negate you being once and forever high priest?

Only at the points and times when you are not in alignment, he replied. The law meets the need until the grace comes to supersede the law. It has always been so.

And I see, suddenly, more than the red heifer. A new understanding is birthed within me that lacks verbal expression, yet, I know I am not the same as I was before he came.

May it ever be so, Lord. Grant me your grace, and your eyes to see. selah.

The timing of God is so good in my life.

The way he links things together and connects my dots is so extraordinary. Recently on a trip related to family he met me on the ninth of Av in a way that was so jewish.

He arranged some reconciliation moments with friends by placing me within 45 minutes of where they now live.

He worked me through the remaining hurts in my heart before I left so that I could have the perspective of seeing them as a part of the Bride.

And then he helped my heart stay present and appreciate all he has done in me the last five years.

He arranged for me to receive an invitation from a ministry in my past, so that he could weave in me a story of his history in me.

He had land work for me to do in the cemetery of a town in the area.

And he helped me see that seeing someone as part of the Bride frees me up to allow them to be them while I remain me; He has brought me so far.

And when I was able to take with me on this family trip the first of the baby books to be given away-to the child it was prepared for, as she reached a milestone in her life, and I went through the process of releasing strings I had held for 24 years, I realized, he truly does make everything beautiful in its time.

I was able to do things this week for my daughter that my mom was unable to do for me.

The joy of the Lord was present in hilarity.

We went through hard stuff too, staying our true hearts with each other.

Attunement is a skill he has developed in me, and I give him all the glory for this. I am actually stunned by how much he has done.

And when it was done, the time was over, he sought time with me, in a private place, where he speaks to me through the surrounding hills. He prepared an out of the way place, well off the beaten path that was clean and holy. So that he could awaken me in the middle of the night with his voice. So that we could arise in the town that bore his name in the passage of his word he had ordained for me that day.

I don’t rise or fall on the opinions of others anymore. I don’t rise or fall based on how things external to me are going. Every moment is a gift to find him. The more I use my moments to find him in them, the more sacred my moments become.

Its a wonderful life- is such an inadequate way to describe this current season.

The English language lacks in its ability to express me, more and more. Perhaps that is why I am learning Hebrew. He makes everything beautiful in its time.

I heard clearly this morning- Isaiah 40. There I went.Often I do not know why the tears begin. Today was such a day. The verse which begins-Who measured the waters with the hollow of his hand…and I wept.

I put out my hand palm up, to make a little hollow. And I wept.

And he said- do you remember?

And I wept.

And I saw me- before I began in body- yet in the body of myself as a small girl. I am standing next to him. He gathers up all the waters from everywhere. It seems like this is how the animals gathered in Noah’s time. His hollow, in his hand, draws the water because he is thinking of her. And all the water from everywhere came. Even the water that would one day be a part of people came. His measure was in his gaze. Satisfied, delighted, and filled with perfect authority. Joy.

He looks at me and I know he is asking me to put my hand like his. My very small hand goes out, palm up, cupped, because I trust and do not need to know why. It is well to agree. I know nothing other than agreeing with him.

He transfers some of the water into my hand. I am awed by its nature. By its diversity. By its coming from all over the earth. I realize before it was scattered, it was gathered. And scattered though it might become, it will return again to gathered. It is a holy moment, as I carefully keep my hand cupped to carry what he offered.

You must go, he said. I look at him. I know he is not commanding me, but awakening what is already within me. You must, he continued. Because of all the glory. It is in you to do. He winked. And remember, I will be with you always, even unto the end of the age. He looks at his water, I look at mine and he reminisces about things to come. You need to return when it is time to handle the water again. You will be ready, then, to measure her too. Not as I do, but one with me as I do. He sighs. Know that you are more than flesh and blood, little one. The water, the blood and the Spirit agree. These will testify of you to the earth, and she will groan for you to become. He groaned. He said, I have put my groan within her, so she can recognize the transformation and cry holy.

He peered at me closely then. He showed me a picture of myself at 4. I was in the grass and twirling. I pulled a dandelion and blew and blew and blew until all its white straws were scattered. “Know me here”, was his command.

And I went.

The beginning before my beginning. El Roi. He the God who sees me. Selah.

This week in my blessings I have been so struck by God as El Roi, God who sees.
This has taken me into the life of Hagar.
She was brought into Abraham’s household, told she would be used to get the heir to the household, then was despised an eventually sent away. In all of that God did not reveal himself to her. Only in the place where she had intolerable conflict did he come. But he saw. He saw it all, so when he came, she could rest in knowing there was saw one who saw it all.
Today Father led me into the text.
I saw.
I saw what was in her heart when she conceived.
Suddenly she looked at Sarah as if Sarah was lesser than her.
Not because of something she had worked hard to develop.
Not a skill she had honed that caused her to shine superior.
But a conception.
Something that is God’s handiwork, not hers.
And because her undercurrents caused Sarah to deal harshly to her, she ran.
And that was where she met the Lord. His counsel for her to return and submit was mercy based.
He knew what was in her heart, how she would idolize her ability to conceive. He allowed it to be exposed so that he could right the order he had assigned her to. She was to birth a nation.

I see the times my own heart has looked at leaders and thought I was wiser than them. I see the places where I view what God has birthed in me as superior. I look at others on their journey and realize I am farther along and attribute it to me instead of to God. Lord, have mercy.

It is good for you to expose the places in my heart where I take credit. When it is not my credit but your glory.
Surely all that I have comes from your hand. Surely my healing is your divine work.
The glory is yours.

And I want to ask you today, reader, have you been taking credit for the things that God has done? Have you perceived that your conception was a value reflection on God’s part?

Humbly, I have repented today. There is no good in me apart from God. My breath comes from him and is for him. Any glory that comes belongs to him.

God who sees, see me. Create in me a clean heart. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Not my work, but yours.

Amen.

When I was fourteen, I started 9th grade. I remember the threats beginning, promising pain and torture. I would be passing classes at school, and someone would whisper- get ready for the whale watching. I would get into history. A note would be on my desk, an my teacher would somehow insert the text of the note into the lesson. On the way home, reminders would come in the form of dead animals on my route, or blood written words on the sidewalks or posts. Sometimes a particular flower would be wrapped around the fence. The cult enjoyed their anticipation causing me fear. I was watched. And read. There was no escape. There had never been escape. And it was intolerable.

I remember my mom giving my sister and I a little money, then taking us to the local mall. We had three hours to shop and were to meet at a designated place/time for her to take us home.

I couldn’t. That was my loudest thought. I could not. Not anymore.

I knew I could not stay in town, they found me in 9 days last time. I decided to head north. Geography was very messed up by my training. So I decided to stay near the coast so I would not get turned around. I climbed the hill to the onramp for 8 headed west. From the beach I would go north. And I stuck out my thumb. In the mid seventies it was not such a big deal.

I ran away.

The outline of that six weeks is that I made it up to Washington state. Hitchhiking. Using my body for food and a place to stay sometimes. I traveled over a thousand miles north and then back down again. I had many adventures. Some good, many not. Probably the worst was when they found me. About 800 miles into my journey, a retired police officer picked me up. He was cult. Everything I had run away from, and more, were delivered to me over the next few weeks. They have different rules for the kids who might legitimately disappear. It was so hopeless. I thought I could never get away. Devastation facilitates more breaks. Internally I became more disconnected from my skin. I cry as I remember.

But the Lord has shown me that he was at the beach before I reached it. He was there during the times the abuse occurred. And he remained after I left, even while he accompanied me as I continued on.

He did not do what I wished he would do- stop it or hide me. Instead he did something that was very hard for him to do, thousands of years before I was born. He took what I could not, and is willing to take what is too hard for me. He does it for love. He will always do this for me. He does not serve my wish- he changes my realization that what he offers is the more perfect way. I love that about him. Sitting with him today, receiving his love and kindness, I am washed in gratitude again. Surely he does all things well- just look at my life!

I have to laugh at the Lord, and the way He chooses to give me insight that yields his peace.

I have started hearing the wedding march in the air.

It is not about the decision the courts made yesterday.

It is about the emerging Bride.

There is going to be a wedding. Oh that we would anticipate it the way the lesbian/gay rights movement has anticipated theirs. Can we learn from that?

Can we judge that? Have we made them jealous for our heterosexual marriages? have we stunned them with our passion and love?

It takes some shaking to reveal the weaknesses in the structure. Let us look upon our own cracks in this hour.

Suppose…we have withheld legitimacy from a gay or lesbian couple and thereby have prohibited them from finding where all true marriage is birthed- in the heart of God?

If we have problems with gender here, what are we going to do in heaven when genderless beings are all around?

Suppose, the cry for marriage is really a cry for intimacy, for God, and his blessing? Can God separate a person’s behavior from the desires of their heart? If he does not do that the way we want him to, is that still okay? Doesn’t he do that with me? Isn’t that what I call mercy?

Suppose the Bride would not emerge the way she is suppose to without the fervency a perceived counterfeit produces?

Have we had an agenda all along, to love them so they would see things our way?

Isn’t the conviction of sin Holy Spirit’s job?

Are we setting ourselves up, as Christians, to be seen as ridiculous zealots and bringing our own prejudice upon us?

yes, my Bible reads- in 1 Cor 6- Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

So if a person chooses the Bible I choose, and believes in the same Jesus that I know, and they choose to not inherit the kingdom of God, what is that to do with me? If there is a washing or a sanctification done, it is done by Jesus, not by me. How then do I condemn?

I think it is important that the sounds of heaven are louder in my ears than the sounds of earth. I hear the wedding march- the Bride is making herself ready.

While it was before the courts, my job was to fast and pray, as David did when his baby yet lived. But when the baby died, he arose, washed and anointed himself and went into a meal with others.

There is a marriage on the earth that transcends the earth and portrays the marriage anticipation in heaven. That cannot be legislated by man. Only God knows the fullest definition of that. I am not the expert.

The joy of my God is able to save the heart that wants salvation. The light from my King can open the eyes of the blind. The power of my God can keep those who belong to Him. The breath of my God is freely given and contains grace towards me. So my internal rest is not dependent on external fluctuations and change. It is by grace, I am saved, through faith- not of works- lest any man boast.

I went to some meetings in the spiritual realm before Ireland took her vote.

My King is on the move, he has a plan, and he is love. I rest there in confidence. My house is built on nothing less. Selah

I am not sure if her name is well known on earth, but one who is well known in heaven transitioned there yesterday. She had the prerogative to distribute if she wished, what remained. She chose to place it in the hand of her heavenly husband jesus because she trusted he knew better than herself.

I am not sure if that is why the angel was at the gym this morning. As I exercised he unrolled a tape measure. he explained that time is like a tape measure. Through being in it we can see the way things change as we progress. We see the desires and wishes that remain over the marks passings. I looked more closely at the marks on this angels time/tape measure. On each day was a Hebrew letter. The letter was what was required for the day. The letters in the day order became the testimony of Jesus. As we progress and the time measure unfolds we learn what was really in our heart, by responses and behavior. We learn and we choose.

As our bodies age, as people pass on, as relationships shift, and the marks are further on to correlate our passage here, we learn the truth- The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord. We become one with it, or we have the choice to, anyways.

What am I using the measuring tool of time for today? What am I choosing to become one with? What have I perceived that outside of time would not be conveyed the same.

Once the purpose of time is understood, time is no longer a master, but a blessing to be grateful for. I have the advantage of walking in sonship and choosing this day where I want to invest. Seeing how that investment turns out was never the goal. It is the change of me in the process that he is after.

It was funny today in the gym. The angel was see through, and the measuring tool was solid and colored.

In eternity, it will be the other way around.

Selah.

I was at the gym today. It was a day for going slow all uphill. Yahweh loves it when I match his pace instead of trying to outpace myself. From the first song he was there. He spoke about the memory that has been surfacing. Where skin was peeled in a cult activity. I have been having such a hard time staying in the awfulness of it. He has been asking me if I think his creation of skin is a good thing. Knowing, as he did, what cults would do. I am choosing the yes and feeling the resistance in my soul. That is why I get to or have to (depending on which perspective you share) look. My soul is out of alignment with his goodness here. Today, Misty sang- arms wide open, a heart exposed. And he spoke. No. I died with skin on little one. My heart remained covered by skin, so I could go through the aging process with each of you. To die without skin is not natural, or normal, or okay. While I died for it, for the pain of the sufferer and the sin of the perpetrator, it was not within my perfect plan, only my permissive one. My permissive plan allows for free will, and it is a better way. I began to cry. He was not done. Consider your timeline. Consider Job. Consider how I allowed him to be disconnected from his time line as a part of my process. Permissive and perfect. And as to your own experience, permissive but not perfect. Yet I am able to right all wrongs. And I make everything beautiful in its time. Weeping freely, who can tell, with all the sweat?

He reminded me of when I was 15, dead there on the floor of that barn, my spirit going up the stairs until he halted me by telling me I could not go further. Surely I am a wave. And surely the curse of Esau that has never been rescinded exists in me. I was so angry about his decision. Today, he brought redemption. You would never have been able to come through this door then as you are able to now. So, gently, he undoes me again. He would not settle for less. And I am struck by the importance of that door at the right time, being a part of his perfection. Selah.