I am not sure how many children need to be trained the way I was.
Perhaps those who hurt me were concerned that I would give them away by being an emotional basket case.
I am sure that along the way I have had friends who perceived me as coldhearted because of it.
The area of my heart that would have developed the capacity to miss people was seared early on.
People were there then they were not. To miss them in any way was cause for severe punishment. There was training done as well, to test.
If I missed someone or had any emotional reaction to their departure, I failed the test.
As I see the Lord healing my heart in this area during the last season, I am realizing the reasons he did not heal it before.
I didn’t want him to.
To miss people is painful.
The pain takes away my breath and I gasp, unable to form a coherent thought while the wave engulfs me.
I weep.
There is no obvious good to be gained.
I weep again.
Nothing changes and I still miss.
Today was a breakthrough day for me.
I must have been ready to hear him and not reject what he said.
I was in the car, driving.
And seemingly out of nowhere, he said…
the reason I am restoring your ability to miss is because
I want you to share my heart in how I long for, and miss, my Bride.
He steals my breath in a different way than the pain.
I receive that what is hard is yet good.
I weep, but not without hope.
Every essence that has been transformed by love will remain, in part, through eternity.
There are times ahead when my heart will not miss anymore.
And I guess, while I am here, when I miss, I will share
the fellowship of the sufferings
that perfect me.