Recently I was working with a client. This client has multiple issues with health. They have many places internally that are divided as well, from childhood traumas. Part of the work we have done has made it safe for some of those parts to come forward and begin the process of reconciliation. We do other work too, with her spirit and with removal of things that are not her. This particular day followed a season of removal. I had a question for a specific part we have discovered previously. The client looked at me blankly. It was very hard for her to make the connection. And I realized, once again, she had discarded relationship with her insides.

I was crushed.
I am known as an advocate for the insides.
I understand them and use my voice to defend them before they regain theirs.
I admire them, an affirm them, and value them.
For this person to retreat into denial and build a new wall against them was very discouraging for me.

But Jesus does not get discouraged. So we connected with him. And he highlighted that some of the parts she was discarding were important keys to her physical healing. Immediately she was on board with it. When it comes to physical healing she is desperate.

I was left with cynicism. So she cares if their healing affects her physical body, but she doesn’t care when they are left in trauma while she goes on an does life, even though during the trauma she fled and they could not? That didn’t seem fair. I was disgruntled.

I processed this with the Lord on the way home from this client’s house.
And He opened up His word, His life to me. I saw Luke 5, starting at verse 12. There was the leper. Coming to Jesus and saying, if you will it, I will be healed. Jesus saying I will. The healing. And I get a glimpse into Jesus’ heart. There were so many people that came, not because they wanted to get to know him. Not because they wanted the salvation or reconciliation he came to offer. But because they wanted the physical healing. They were defined by their natural world and he represented a solution, rather than a man whose love would change their lives. I felt his heartbreak over this. I heard him say to the leper- tell no one. Go to the priest. Do what the law requires. He knew it was not good for people to see him that way, they would get locked into the desire of their soul an miss the bigger picture of the eternal. But people did find out, about that leper. And they came anyways. For their personal healing, even though his model was never to use his power for himself. I was gripped by his pain over this. And then I saw…me. I was in that crowd, only modern day. I was ‘praying’. Basically I was presenting him with a list of needs for him to fill. How am I any different?

Father forgive me.
As I step into repenting for the places I missed him, relationship, reconciliation, his beauty and wisdom, the flow of his shed blood extends beyond me to the client. As I receive his forgiveness for me, I am able to let go of the judgments my heart was holding against her.

Who am I, to say? he still chose to lay down his life, so she could live, knowing her heart, knowing what I had just discovered about her priorities.

And he also laid down his life for me, knowing the times I would seek what his hand could do for me, instead of seeking him.

As I align with his truth today, instead of what I perceive, I find rest. I am amazed again at the power of the cross. It surely makes a level playing field for us all.