I was working with someone this week. They were in a hard space. Their mother wanted to kill them, and their dad wanted nothing to do with them.

As I pondered how this pain would yield intimacy with our Lord, I saw.

While his biological mom has said, be it unto me according to your word, to the angel presenting her with the future of Him, she had questions. We know from the way she responded when he stayed behind to teach, as a teenager. She didn’t get Him.

But that was not a match for a mother that wanted him dead. The church, however, often shows up as a mother in dreams. And that mother definitely wanted Him dead. Here was a place where she could feel how He felt.

What about a father that didn’t want Him? We know Jesus’ brothers did not believe His divinity. Is that a match. Suddenly I thought of Simeon. I thought of His prophecy. He will be rejected by men, and through Him the hearts of many will be revealed. Yes, I can safely say that my gal being rejected by her father is a definite onramp into the life of our Lord, when he was rejected by man, after man, after man.

She wondered if anybody understood what it was like to be a bastard?

And I saw, he became one, in all ways possible, so that there would never be a bastard experiencing life that he had not experienced. I can imagine the brutality of the kids as He grew up. I can picture His recognition that the people He came to and called His own received Him not. I can picture the church wanting Him dead. I can see His brothers, trying to goad Him into doing miracles for their approval. I can see the sick, coming to get healed and wanting nothing but their healing, certainly not relationship with a man who was ‘too far out there’.

I feel the angst of it. He came to reconcile us back to Father. He left heaven for that. He experienced every pain we would ever know. And He laid down His physical life for our eternal ones.

The foxes have holes, and the birds have nests, but the Son of man has no place to lay his head.

Looked at from the lens of function, foxes reproduce in their holes. Birds reproduce in their nests. They do not live there. Jesus came to reproduce in His people, the reconciliation and love of His Father,

His own did not receive Him.

Jesus will you reproduce in me? I am willing to have you use me so that more of You is on the earth. I believe, help my unbelief. Selah.

The last two weeks, more mornings than not, I have awoken at 5:55. His first words to me are, I have grace for you Tanya.

I feel his grace.

It is a lot different now than it was in the early days of inner healing. These days when something comes up I can still stay forward and engage in life. I just need moments to cry. And listen. And accept. And take it to communion with the Lord.

The tale of how I got plugged into time is becoming a saga. One of the inerts from the south side has been brought back to life. But rather than her merging into the two that are on the timeline, the Lord indicated I was to merge into her. I am in the body of a little girl. And experiencing life as her.

As long as I take time to cry every two days, it is hard but ok.

This morning I have been pondering trust. You taught me to trust while on my mother’s breast. I come out of the wilderness leaning on my beloved. Those who love me keep my commandments. I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her there. Would I learn trust except in the helpless place where unconditional love will either give me life or else I will die? Through his suffering he learned obedience. Isn’t all obedience that is truly through and through agreement and action- isn’t it all an expression of trust? Can I love without trust? Can I trust without love? Is it the same fabric of trust? Can I fully wholeheartedly obey without both? Is this the sum of my journey that will carry into the eternal? Are these the things that will transform me and ready me for when it is my turn to exit time?

The cloud is so close this morning. I feel the sways, the pushes, the thrusts, the groan. On different mornings, depending upon purpose I feel different parts of her at the forefront of her interface with earth. This morning I feel the power, the faith of generals that have gone before me. They will not stop. Nor relent. Until what hinders love has been finally removed. And the last enemy to be defeated is death. Nothing can separate me from his love.

Perhaps the better language is that trust is within love, and obedience is its evidence.

What a journey this is. And what a journey it is becoming. And what a journey it has been. Selah.