When I was little, I COULD NOT care what people thought. It was too painful. It was proven over and over again, that there would be no good thoughts towards me.

As I grew, I decided I would take advantage of that. I chose to not care. This was different than pain-based escape- this was actively building a wall. I did not give a fig what you thought and I was PROUD of it! I could go out of my way to prove it, too!

In early healing I came face to face with the deception- I did care but I had built a wall so I did not feel- because I was afraid to feel. I was afraid it would all be too much pain.

I had to go through a season where I allowed myself to feel what it is was like to care what you thought of me- even though it was scary and my good day could turn quickly if I felt like you disapproved or rejected who I am.

These days, I am appreciative that I get to interface with how you feel about me. Even when you do not approve, I get to respond to that and find areas that need correction in me or find Love to bless you with- knowing we are both perfected over time-both are wins for me. Yes, how you feel about me matters- and it is good! But it doesn’t own me, or coerce me, or make me feel like I need to be somebody I am not. And this for me feels like freedom. Freedom from the fear of man.